I think there are things that test you in life that cut you to your core and make you go back to your base self to rebuild. This past year was has been one of those tests for me. I found out 1 year and 15 days ago that I was pregnant. How is it that it feels like both yesterday and a million years ago at the same time?
I saw some photos of myself tonight. From just before I became pregnant. It’s hard to describe how it feels to see them. Of course, the first thing that hits me is how different my body looks. I’m not sure I will ever fit into those clothes again – it’s as if my very bones have changed shape. But what hits me even stronger is remembering what I was thinking, what I was doing with my life, what kinds of things were going on in my head when those photos were taken. Some of those things make me feel sad. Some happy. Some a little lost. And some wistful. It’s as if that person was never going to fully unfold if it weren’t for having a child. And I don’t mean to say that in a way that minimizes the life of anyone who chooses not to have a child. I was perfectly happy without a child. (Am I allowed to say that?) And I know I could be perfectly happy and fulfilled if I had not gotten pregnant. (Am I allowed to say that?)
The only way to know how it will feel to have a child is to have one. There is no test driving it. Having lived a life without baby and now with him, I can say that – for me – life makes much more sense with him. I have heard people say things like that before and I have to admit that it really fell on deaf ears for me. I did not get it then but I’m starting to now. And I’m finding that I can explain it no better now then they did. It’s unexplainable. To see the flesh of your flesh lying next to you, living and breathing, it’s just a whole different thing from anything I have ever experienced before. Like being transported to Mars or the bottom of the ocean. I love him in a way that I have never loved anyone else. Though – in a weird kind of reassurance – some people have come very close.
If none of that makes sense, I’m sorry. And I’m still kind of right there with you.
For more on this topic, read this.