Trying something new.

It has been such a hard year. Starting this blog is me trying something new to counteract that. It feels like putting a fishing line out there in the world to see what is out there. I’m already getting connected to people I otherwise would never have made contact with. Good stuff.

Back to it having been such a hard year for a minute. And I’ll make it quick ๐Ÿ˜‰ It has really been a rough one.

  • Was forced out of my job due to reasons related to pregnancy. As many stood by and watched.
  • came face to face with race based hate – in a very unexpected place (though nothing compared with what others deal with every day. We need to talk about this).
  • became homeless for 3 months
  • went hungry for a short time while pregnant
  • saw a lot of friends fade away during these hard times
  • parted with a best friend (projectile tears on this one, I tell you)
  • became a single mom (horrible and wonderful)
  • endured 3 months of serious illness directly following baby’s birth
  • more that I still fear sharing here

It’s hard to feel like this stuff is “over.” In the past. Done. It’s still very fresh and I’m still picking up the pieces from it. And let me tell you – the pieces are all over the place. Scattered far and wide. I do not wish what I have been through on anyone.ย 

You know, you get to a point in your life that you think some of the things I listed above…won’t happen to you. You feel untouchable because maybe you now have a college education, you have done big things in your life, you have seen the world, you have turned a corner and have found yourself able to turn around and help others. This year has been a reminder that as safe and secure as I can feel now…the type of things I listed above are just at my back. Waves lapping at the shores. The cycle of poverty has a very, very strong pull. One misstep and you land right back where you started.

I just heard from a friend who was mentioning about how she she is basically allergic to negativity these days. I get that. I do. And lord, goddess, ghost, tree, little bunny fufu: have mercy on my soul – I want to be able to be that way too. This year has had me on my knees. I cry as I write this. This has been the worst year and the best year. I did not know that such a thing could be. So I’m trying something new by starting this blog. I’m learning as I go and might make some mistakes, but my intention is to shed a little fear of the world and be as honest as possible. And to put out the energy of good intentions while I earnestly put it all back together.

Thanks for meeting me here. See you soon!

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4 thoughts on “Trying something new.

  1. I don’t know if that feeling there’s a big, heavy darkness at your back ever goes away. Mine’s a mental monster…but it’s always there.

    It sucks, but I also wonder if that’s a big part of my OCD hustle — I can’t just sit, like, ever. Always doing something, like writing and grad school and editing. Maybe it is part of what propels you too.

    It’d be great to get rid of it, that dread, but it makes us strong too. Ready to fight and know what we’re fighting for. It’s scary as fuck, a LOT, and steady, stable friends can make it bearable. You’re one of my rocks, Beck, and I aim to be one of your too — so if you ever need to, reach out!

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    • That makes sense. I guess I’m feeling like I want a damn break from it all, you know? I will try to think of it as a propeller instead.

      You totally make it bearable. Thanks Courtney. You are one of my rocks for sure. I wouldn’t leave my most valuable possession to you if you weren’t. ๐Ÿ˜‰

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  2. Good grief. And wow….

    I am so sorry you have had to deal with all of this. I am so glad you’ve pulled out of it. Is it too early for me to say I’m proud of you? I am, but I’ll hold off if this is weird. Look at how far you’ve come! That’s amazing.

    Way to be awesome and have awesome people in your corner. /Nod. ๐Ÿ™‚

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    • I will take it!!!! Thank you!

      I’m still making my way through it all. A friend came over tonight and we stayed up until 3am taking about all of it. (I need to go to bed! What am I crazy???) I’m certainly shocked and traumatized by all the things that have happened – but fortunately none of those things needs to be permanent.

      Thanks for writing!

      Like

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